Stress and Children

Stress can be both negative (problems with finances, relationships, etc.) and positive (moving, the birth of a baby, etc.) Stress can be defined as a life event or situation that causes some imbalance in your life.

Positive stress can be good - it helps us get our days going and gives us energy. Too much stress, though, chronic stress or stress without support from family or friends makes us unhappy, anxious, angry or even physically sick.

Whether we like it or not, young children tend to “pick up” on their parents’ stress. They don’t usually understand what is going on or why parents are feeling or acting the way they are, but it is a big stressor for them. For children, stress impacts behavior, feelings and even their development. They may have temper tantrums or even regress in their development. For example, a previously potty trained toddler or preschooler may suddenly begin wetting or soiling their underwear again.

Typical, or normal, stressors for all children are generally related to friendships, family arguments and school-related issues. The stress children experience when learning a new skill, meeting new people or playing an exciting game is positive and helps build skills to meet other challenges.  However, problems begin when ordinary stress becomes too much stress - or distress. Intense, negative stressors have a harmful impact on children.

These intense stressors are known as “adverse childhood experiences” or ACEs. They are traumatic events with long-lasting negative effects. The child does not feel supported or protected. Examples include divorce, death, long illness, abuse, family or community violence or fear of failure.

ACEs are connected to depression, anxiety, and impulse control “bad behavior” in children. Unresolved, these emotional and behavioral problems can continue into adolescence and adulthood.  Those behaviors are just a communication that the child is experiencing stress and it is the role of the adults and caregivers to provide support through loving and nurturing responses. When children experience these types of positive interactions with adults, it helps them build resilience. Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from stress or crisis.

We adults are responsible for creating a supportive environment for our children. There are many ways adults can provide support and enhance the child’s resilience.

Caregiver Resilience: When parents and caregivers have the skills to cope well with stress, they are teaching their child resilience. Modeling positive coping helps children learn to bounce back. If you need emotional help or support, it’s important to take the initiative and get it!

Knowledge of Parenting Skills and Child Development: When parents understand normal child development and respond with appropriate communication, consistency, affection, structure and respect, their children are more likely to develop positive coping strategies. Evaluate your own parenting strategies.

Social Connections:  Having a team of emotionally supportive friends and family to help raise a child is a key part of a child’s development and building resiliency. Insuring there are more positive than negative interactions with your child helps them feel happy and become resilient.

Using HALT:  HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired: These will effect a child’s mood. Many children have difficulty knowing or expressing needs and emotions. Check in with your child when you see behavioral changes and ensure that these physical and emotional factors are being taken care of. Then you can work with your child to learn other coping strategies such as finding a calm place for some quiet time when they feel stressed or angry, taking deep breaths or knowing that they can come to you for comfort or to talk.

Make sure you don’t add to the child’s stress by expecting them to act in adult ways. They are little children. We have to help them learn honesty, fairness or how to name their feelings. Encourage laughter and fun, avoid shaming and structure activities that encourage cooperation, not competition. Be patient and give lots of love and encouragement especially during difficult times.

The counselors at the Heartwork Counseling Center are here to help you deal with your family’s stress.  Contact us to learn more and book an appointment.