Children and Divorce
When a couple marries and decides to have children, they create a family, a special unit set apart from other people, with their own ways of doing things, customs and values. The children depend on their parents to provide a solid foundation for them. Their kids count on them to take care of them (feed them, clothe them, shelter them, keep them healthy, keep them safe), teach them living skills, encourage them to learn how to have fun, know the difference between right and wrong, and learn the difference between what is safe and what is dangerous. Armed with the skills and encouragement from their parents, children can grow and develop as individuals, and trust that they can count on the support of the family.
If there are problems in the marriage that the couple is unable to resolve, they may decide to divorce, end the marriage and ending their commitment to each other. In the 1980’s, Abigail Trafford wrote a book about divorce entitled “Crazy Time”. Those words, “Crazy Time” really characterize what happens to a family when their fabric gets ripped apart by a divorce. Unfortunately, these days, ½ of marriages end in divorce.
During the decision to divorce and split up the family, the couple may be absorbed in their own problems and decisions, even though, at this difficult juncture, their children need them in a big way for reassurance and guidance. The children’s whole world has just been shattered. Children may feel shocked, confused, angry, scared and hurt. In addition to the parents grieving the loss of the marriage, the children will also feel grief of losing the family structure that helped define their lives.
Children of different ages will have different reactions to the news of divorce.
Young children may have to deal with the confusion from going from having one home, to having two homes. They may wonder if someday their parents will stop loving them.
School aged children may worry that the divorce was somehow their fault, wondering what they did wrong to cause this
Teens may feel abandoned, isolated and disconnected
There are things parents can do to mitigate the effects of the divorce on their children.
Tell the children together.
Give your children a simple and age-appropriate explanation
Don’t wait until the last minute. The children need to have time to understand and get prepared for the change in their lives.
Remind them that the divorce isn’t their fault.
Recognize that this is sad and difficult for the whole family
Let them know that somethings will be different but other things will remain the same.
There is no need to share more information than your child asks for.
Let the children know that you both love them and will always be their parents.
Do not discuss your problems or the other parent’s faults with the children
Parents need to remember that their children may have difficult reactions to the divorce. Their grades may fall in school, they may act impulsively or exhibit other behavior problems. They may involve themselves in risky behavior (ie- substance abuse, sexual activity) and they may have mental health difficulties.
Parents need to continue to make the commitment to their children’s well-being. This includes continuing to have open communication with each other on behalf of the children, treating each other with respect. It would be harmful if one parent encouraged the children to reject the other parent. It is important that both parents remain actively involved with their children. Regardless of who the children live with more often, it will be important that both parents have contact with the children daily. It will be important not to put the children in the middle, delivering messages from one parent to the other. Parents need to stay in touch to discuss what’s happening with schoolwork, important needs that their children have and how to plan for important events in their children’s lives. Parents can work to remind their children, that although divorce can be challenging they have the strength and ability to handle it.
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