Discussing Shame and Vulnerability
I’m Linda Weiskoff, the Director of the Heartwork Counseling Center and in this article I discuss shame and vulnerability.
Shame
Shame is one of our most primitive, basic emotions. It is a feeling of being unworthy of belonging. It is actually a very common feeling for very young children. When a parent doesn't read a child's cues correctly and fails to attune to the infant, the infant feels unconnected, unsafe and shame.
If a big brother comes over to a baby who is playing with a toy, gets in his space and gives him an overpowering kiss, he has dysregulated the baby. The resulting reaction could well be to feel shame.
When infants feel shame their body language is as follows: Eyes averted and downcast, shoulders slumping.
I remember a professor of mine in graduate school, Dr. Norman Polansky, talking about the essence of shame, saying "I shit on myself and I smell bad." If repairs don’t happen quickly and authentically, it’s easy to see how we could hop to "I’m unworthy of human connection".
Shame is such a difficult thing to experience, that people work hard not to feel it. They mistakenly think that not letting your true self show will make things easier.
Some of the strategies people use to separate themselves from shame include:
Becoming perfectionistic
Placating others so they don’t get to see our authentic selves
Numb ourselves with substances
Pretend we don't have an impact on other people. If we don’t have an impact it’s as if we are unseen.
Isolate
Secrecy, silence and judgment feed and perpetuate shame. Isolating is a double-edged sword. We isolate to keep away from the painful fear of being seen, but that also keeps us away from the connection that we need to get over our shame and feel better about ourselves.
Empathy is the antidote of shame.
Brene’ Brown talks about the ingredients of the process of moving out of shame:
Practice courage and reach out; find someone to meet you with empathy
Maintain your authenticity and stay open to receive
Be respectful and loving toward yourself
Own your story - owning your own story means you get to create the ending.
Another way to move out of shame is to change the position of your body to open yourself up…and breathe.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is being undefended. It enables you to give and receive unfettered. Because it allows you to make connections, it leads to the possibilities of enjoying the people around you and enjoying being in the world. It allows you to feel empathy. Staying open and vulnerable allows you to give and receive love and care. It also allows you to be open to fun.
Being undefended may be frightening for you. Take a few minutes and check in with yourself. What might frighten you so you won’t let others see your vulnerability? How can you comfort and reassure yourself?
A young woman named Arya was full of shame. She believed that the shame and pain would be there no matter what she did. She thought “I’d better open my heart so I can get some good stuff from others, so at least I’ll feel something else along with the shame and pain.” She opened herself and made herself feel vulnerable. When she did that, the shame dissipated. She felt much better and was open to making new connections.
Feel free to sit with these ideas and see how you can move out of shame into a fuller life. If you find yourself stuck in shame, feel free to contact the Heartwork Counseling Center.