Divorce and the Family

When a couple decides to divorce, they are faced with the end of their relationship and their inability to continue to love and value each other as they once did. This can be painful, confusing, and disappointing for them. They haven't been able to maintain the commitment of being together for the long haul.

The spouse who initiates the break-up has been in pain. If their partner was unaware of this, they will be shocked and lost when they hear the news. In addition, if the spouse went outside the marriage to get their emotional needs met, the partner may be deeply hurt, confused, and in need of support. As they consider divorce, because of their own pain, parents' focus may be on the relationship with their spouse.

Their children will get less emotional support from them as they experience the chaos and confusion of the situation. Children count on their parents' relationship to be the foundation of their relationship with themselves and with other people, and for their sense of security. If their parents' relationship falls apart, children lose the structure they have leaned on.

Each partner deals with the grief and pain of this ending as well as the uncertainty that the future holds as they create a new life. It is a difficult journey through uncharted territory. They must deal with the challenge of juggling their concern for their children's well-being with the new experiences and relationships they hope to create.

Divorce hits children hard. Some children blame themselves for the divorce, although it is not their fault. Their grades may drop, and they may withdraw, spending less time with parents and siblings. Children will often have the hope that their parents will change their minds and get back together. As parents start meeting new people, doing new activities, and start dating after the divorce, they dash any hopes the children have that their parents will reconcile. The children may feel hurt and betrayed as they grieve. They will have worries and unanswered (and unasked) questions: "Who will they live with? Will they have to move and change schools? Will their parents stop loving them too?"

As you start to date, remember to consider your children and remind them that they won't be forgotten. It will be helpful for you to wait until you've developed a stable relationship before introducing a new person to your children.

Young children may have concrete questions to answer. Older children need to be reassured that their complicated feelings are understandable, and that, although they need to be respectful of this new person, they can develop feelings of caring in their own time.

Without having thought about it, when a couple has children, they will have a relationship with each other for the rest of their lives, whether they are married or divorced. They will both be involved in every milestone in their children's lives: birthdays, graduations, weddings, grandchildren.

If the divorce is hostile, it will be hard on the children. Difficulties are compounded if parents use the children to punish their ex-spouse by sabotaging visitation or lying to them. This will add to the children's confusion and hurt and add to the daily challenges as well as making special occasions more difficult.

Parents can make the decision to share parenting and maintain communication to help their children adjust to this difficult change and move forward in their lives. There may be times throughout life that you hit a snag. Counseling is available to help sort things out, during the divorce process and afterward as you continue with your lives. If you’re needing support don’t hesitate to reach out and book an appointment.